28 November 2012

I lay everything..

My day today filled with memories of him.. Things that we used to do.. Places that we used to go.. Things that we used to talks about.. Those promises, those life plans that we planned for our future..The way he always treated me.. The songs that he used to give me.. His voice.. His laughter.. His smile.. His body.. His smell.. Oh my dear Allah, I felt so sinful today. I felt so sinful because I let myself to think and  miss a man that is not my fated husband..

If he is not for me Ya Allah please erase him for my heart.. The sooner the better Ya Allah because it hurts so much to still love a man who don't really care about me anymore. Erase him fast Ya Allah so that I can have my happiness back and this sadness won't always come knocking on my door... I am tired of being sad Ya Allah.. I am tired of how a single line of how happy he is now without me in his life from him can ruin my magnificent day.. Erase him fast Ya Allah so that I can set him free from the sins of letting me love him more than I should have love You..

I know that love comes from You Ya Allah but please erase this love if it is no good for me.. Please erase it all so that I can be better than I am now without this love in me.. I'd rather to be alone and not having this love in me than having this love and forgets You Ya Allah.. I had neglected You much when I was obsessed loving him.. If loving him is bad for me, makes me not love him Ya Allah.. If he is for me Ya Allah, the one you have set for me as my lifetime partner, let him come when it is fated as the time for us to get married so that I wont neglect You anymore Ya Allah.. Let him come only when I had known You Ya Allah the most so that I can be the best for him.. I know I have so many weaknesses that makes me not good enough in his eye. So please Ya Allah, if he is for me, let him come when I am at my best for him..
Teach both of them bout love Ya Allah but never let them feel the pain that You let me feels now... Let them love but don't let them love too much till they forgets about you Ya Allah.. This pain is too painful to bear for anyone and I love him too much to see him in this pain one day.. Bless their relationship Ya Allah if really this is the best for them.. But if this is just another test and lesson for them, I pledge to You Ya Allah, to not hurt them much because I cannot bear to see him hurt.. Let him hurt me this much but never Ya Allah let anyone hurt him this much.. Although he had become the worst of him right now, but I know that this is not really him.. The him that I fall for is way better and greater than this.. Help him Ya Allah to find the real him... Help him Ya Allah to not get lost in this love and adds up sins in his life.. Let him be the best of him in everything Ya Allah.. The best son to his parents, the best partner to his lover and the best ummah in Your eyes too Ya Allah..   
If my happiness one day can be exchange for the sorrow that you will one day sends him, take my happiness away Ya Allah.. Give me all his sorrows in exchange so that he can always be happy.. I'd rather to have all his sorrows than to see him in sadness one day.. He had given me so much happiness when we were together.. Not even one day in that 3 years and 29 days that I don't feels happy with him.. So please Ya Allah, send me his sorrows and give him my happiness as a token for all the happiness that he had once given me before.. 
I know I had always been asking things form You Ya Allah but to whom else can I ask when You are the only Giver and the only Keeper.. To You only that I can ask for and to You only Ya Allah I lies my faith on... Erase him from my heart Ya Allah if he is not for me so that I won't miss him and won't continue on wanting him.. But if he is the one fated for me Ya Allah, give him guidance Ya Allah to see it back and lay for him the path to comes back to me.. I will love him following the path that you leads in the name of Islam and never to let myself love him like before and forgets my love for you Ya Allah.. 
Let him see Ya Allah that this love that he has in his heart now is wrong so that he won't continue on making this mistake if really it is a mistake because for this love, he had change all the good in him into everything that is bad.. From someone that is very patient, calm n content, he had turn himself into someone that is very cold, self centered and rush in everything.. I dont know after raya he change badly.

 Help him find the real him back Ya Allah.. The awesome magnificent him that I fall for before.. The him that I once see as the perfect husband and father material.. 
In this barakah day Ya Allah, I lay everything to You and may You gives the best of the best for me and for him ya Allah.. InsyaAllah    :)

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assalamualaikum / salam sejahtera ! i am afisya afida.